Sex is bad!

That's right! Sex is bad! You want to know why? I know, you're dying to know! Sex is bad because it can lead to children, and children are bad! I'm sure you've heard of "original sin," how we're born with it and all that jazz, right? Well, let me give you a perfect example of why I wholly believe this to be the case!

Actually ... I'm exaggerating. I don't believe in original sin, I don't even believe in generic 3rd generation sin ... kind of hard to as an agnostic. I just think children are bad news, and I will tell you why, in this chapter of "My, What a Fucked Up World." Coincidentally, I also don't think sex is bad -- I'm a huge fan. Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

89-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Taking Ball

BLUE ASH, Ohio -- She took a teenager's ball and wouldn't give it back. Now 89 year-old Edna Jester from Blue Ash is facing charges.

"I said go ahead and arrest me. Handcuff me if you'd like, because I said I'm not guilty of anything," said Jester.

Blue Ash Police arrested Jester Thursday for petty theft after taking her teenage neighbor's football that was in her yard, NewsChannel5 sister station WCPO-TV in Cincinnati reported.

The incident was caught on tape by people across the street who support Jester.

"Taken down and interrogated, a 90 year-old lady. It almost hits home like this is the United States, this can't happen and this is absolutely ridiculous," said neighbor Kevin Pike.

Kelly Tanis has five children and said Jester has taken balls from her children before. So she called the police.

"This time it was a ball that my son had just bought with his own money. He works and he makes his own money, and he bought that ball, and six days later she took it."

Blue Ash Police said they didn't want to arrest Jester. Instead, they just wanted her to give the ball back.

Jester said that wasn't going to happen.

"I was giving it back sooner or later, but not right now, so they could make a laughing stock out of me," Jester said.

Neighbors said the issue of where the kids should and shouldn't play has been ongoing for quite some time.

Jester's court date is Nov. 12.

Now, for those with sensitive eyes and minds who do not like to real "foul language," I urge you to stop here, because I'm about to become pretty profane. Okay? Okay.

An 89-year old woman is arrested for taking the ball from a kid. Let me repeat that in a way which might help me express the mental state into which this story puts me: A woman born circa 1919, who has lived through 16 presidents, Women's Suffrage, the Great Depression, the Hindenburg, Adolf Hitler and World War 2, Korean War, Vietnam War is arrested for taking the ball from a snot-nosed punk who's too fucking stupid to figure out that when his ball lands on the old lady's property it'll be taken away. Let's review one of the lines in this article, shall we? "Kelly Tanis has five children and said Jester has taken balls from her children before." So, Kelly, your kids have lost several balls to this lady, and they keep losing them. In other words, their amazingly limited minds fail to figure out what is blatantly obvious to the rest of the world: stay the fuck away from the old lady with your toys! She'll take them! Madam, you already have five children! For the love of anything that is holy to you, please stop having children and focus your efforts on ensuring that your current ones figure out life's basics and essentials, such as common courtesy and respect for ones elders! I highly suggest that you take some classes on these things yourself before trying to imbue any such values in your children, however, since you seem to have completely missed this class yourself. Kelly dear, if life was a firing range, I'd have no doubt you'd be throwing pistols and rifles all day -- nice effort, but you're completely missing the fucking point.

The cops! What the fuck were the cops thinking, arresting an old lady for taking a ball which was on her property? Seriously? We do that now? I've heard the old cliché about how cops are wasting our tax money on useless crap when they could be nabbing crooks and thieves and drug dealers. However ... this? Every law enforcer who has ever thought that it would be "the right thing to do" to arrest an 89-year old lady for this should be lined up and slapped Three Stooges-style! And I fucking HATE the Three Stooges, yet this angers me so much that I would resort to copying their idiocy! The children should be slapped for being disrespectful and morbidly obtuse, the parents should be slapped for not slapping their kids, the cops should be slapped for not tazering the parents, and anyone who ranks higher than the cops at this point and allowed this charade to go on should be slapped with tazers coated in tear gas. I have never seen such a fucking chain of epic fail before.

Okay, folks, when I grew up (and it really wasn't that long ago), here's what would have happened:

I lose my ball over the neighbor lady's fence, she takes my ball. One of 3 things can happen:

1. I realize how stupid I was, and don't ask for the ball back, because I deserved that.
2. I realize how stupid I was, and ask nicely for the ball back, issuing a lot of apologies and stuttering. If I get it back, sweet! If not ... too bad, it's not the end of the fucking world, I'll somehow manage to get over this tremendously traumatic experience.
   
3. I go to my parents and ask if they can get my ball back for me. This can again result in 3 things: Parents laugh at me for being the little idiot that I was, parents slap me for being stupid, or parents tell me to go ask for my own stupid ball.

"Oh, but that's not fair!" I hear the jeering crowds hiss. No, that's life. Children are already so pampered, spoiled, and life is so sugar coated for the little bastards that by the time they get a taste of real life ... all they can do is go running to mama and papa. Children are handed and wrapped in the comforting notion that they are owed something, that the world is indebted to them for being born, and they are given a sense of entitlement. No! Just ... no. Respect is earned, recognition is labored for, and if you want anything in your life, it is only through your sincere and exerted effort that you will be rewarded. The very few people in this world who get by without any such effort are anomalies, and should not be viewed as a norm. To teach your children anything else is to put them at a disadvantage, and is your failure to do your job as a parent.

Ms. Edna Jester, for the simple act of taking a child's ball, for standing up to the children, parents, and cops, I salute you. Best of luck at your trial, Ma'am.

Hero: